David

I’m tearing away, pieces are falling, I can’t seem to make them stay…..break…

According to Webster’s dictionary the word grieves means: to cause to suffer, burden, heavy.

 I couldn’t explain how I feel any better than Webster’s.  I have this profound grief in me that feels like the insides of my body are being ripping apart. I can almost visualize my heart being torn and it hurts. Not just the mental pain but the physical pain, unless I’m having a heart attack. I do not think a heart attack could hurt this bad. Just to be safe I’m popping some baby aspirin. I would hate this to be my lasts words not how I plan to go out in this world.

  I had a dream the other night about you, the visual part was vague but the emotional part I’m still nursing. I was taken to this jail cell in a remote place; my captors told me I was never going to see you again. I felt rage coming to the surface of my body and felt like I was being turned inside out. Trapped by steel bars with no weapons, no way out. I wanted to fight everything and everybody it was a strong enough emotion to wake me from a dead sleep. I woke up shaking, sweating and angry. I sat in the dark for a while wondering what the hell I just dreamed about and why is it so strong. It was one of those dreams that hold on to you for a while. Then the grief set in and that’s when the tug on my heart began. Two days later and I still am feeling this way especially after someone reminded me it was 5 years since you left.  Maybe you were sending me a reminder.

 I don’t remember death dates, it’s gruesome really. I’d rather remember your November birthday and how you lived. The dash I call it. It’s the dash on your headstone between your birthday and your death day, that’s all that really matters anyway how someone lived. You died a warrior’s death and to Vikings you are sitting on a throne in Valhalla. I’m sitting in a cell of my own making. I can not let go.

 I can’t let the love of my youth fade, I’m scared it will make me old and forget. I’d rather have that dream every night for the rest of my life if it would mean I could see you just one more time. Tell you I loved you and that you still have that piece of my heart that I left under your pillow one night. I can’t tell you why I am angry. I can only take an educated guess and say that you were taken from us too soon that our lives weaved in and out and our cloth wasn’t finished ,our stories  will be left with blank pages and I think that is what I am feeling. I’m sure there is some guilt rolled in. It had been a very long time since I saw you too long. My cup was close to empty and could kick myself for not reaching out. I ignored my intuition when it was kicking my ass.  I know I should remember the good times the laughs the crazy stuff that is making me smile right now but it still hurts.

 Everywhere I turn I hear your name and I can’t bear to say it even in a whisper it hurts. Even if it’s another person named David, your name feels like a weight that pulls me down in a dark place. I will see something that reminds me of you and feel my eyes start to tear like they are now and I want to be sick. I’ve lost so many important people in my life, I’ve buried both my parents, two siblings and too many friends to name and it never gets any easier. You leaving I think has been the hardest. I remember you telling me one day that we have our memories and no matter what, no one can take them away. I’m going to share mine no matter how bad it hurts I don’t care what people think anymore. I know my cup will never be full again that missing piece of me that died with you unresolved and restless. It helps me to write even though I suck at it. I have to do it. It brings me peace to write it out to know it was real and that you were here. I will bear it well as I should I would rather feel this way than not to have known you at all.

 I hope I will see you in my dreams..Soon..  Xoxox  

ps. and when I do see you I'm kicking your ass for scaring me. My wrestling skills are a lot better than they used to be....