David

I’m tearing away, pieces are falling, I can’t seem to make them stay…..break…

According to Webster’s dictionary the word grieves means: to cause to suffer, burden, heavy.

 I couldn’t explain how I feel any better than Webster’s.  I have this profound grief in me that feels like the insides of my body are being ripping apart. I can almost visualize my heart being torn and it hurts. Not just the mental pain but the physical pain, unless I’m having a heart attack. I do not think a heart attack could hurt this bad. Just to be safe I’m popping some baby aspirin. I would hate this to be my lasts words not how I plan to go out in this world.

  I had a dream the other night about you, the visual part was vague but the emotional part I’m still nursing. I was taken to this jail cell in a remote place; my captors told me I was never going to see you again. I felt rage coming to the surface of my body and felt like I was being turned inside out. Trapped by steel bars with no weapons, no way out. I wanted to fight everything and everybody it was a strong enough emotion to wake me from a dead sleep. I woke up shaking, sweating and angry. I sat in the dark for a while wondering what the hell I just dreamed about and why is it so strong. It was one of those dreams that hold on to you for a while. Then the grief set in and that’s when the tug on my heart began. Two days later and I still am feeling this way especially after someone reminded me it was 5 years since you left.  Maybe you were sending me a reminder.

 I don’t remember death dates, it’s gruesome really. I’d rather remember your November birthday and how you lived. The dash I call it. It’s the dash on your headstone between your birthday and your death day, that’s all that really matters anyway how someone lived. You died a warrior’s death and to Vikings you are sitting on a throne in Valhalla. I’m sitting in a cell of my own making. I can not let go.

 I can’t let the love of my youth fade, I’m scared it will make me old and forget. I’d rather have that dream every night for the rest of my life if it would mean I could see you just one more time. Tell you I loved you and that you still have that piece of my heart that I left under your pillow one night. I can’t tell you why I am angry. I can only take an educated guess and say that you were taken from us too soon that our lives weaved in and out and our cloth wasn’t finished ,our stories  will be left with blank pages and I think that is what I am feeling. I’m sure there is some guilt rolled in. It had been a very long time since I saw you too long. My cup was close to empty and could kick myself for not reaching out. I ignored my intuition when it was kicking my ass.  I know I should remember the good times the laughs the crazy stuff that is making me smile right now but it still hurts.

 Everywhere I turn I hear your name and I can’t bear to say it even in a whisper it hurts. Even if it’s another person named David, your name feels like a weight that pulls me down in a dark place. I will see something that reminds me of you and feel my eyes start to tear like they are now and I want to be sick. I’ve lost so many important people in my life, I’ve buried both my parents, two siblings and too many friends to name and it never gets any easier. You leaving I think has been the hardest. I remember you telling me one day that we have our memories and no matter what, no one can take them away. I’m going to share mine no matter how bad it hurts I don’t care what people think anymore. I know my cup will never be full again that missing piece of me that died with you unresolved and restless. It helps me to write even though I suck at it. I have to do it. It brings me peace to write it out to know it was real and that you were here. I will bear it well as I should I would rather feel this way than not to have known you at all.

 I hope I will see you in my dreams..Soon..  Xoxox  

ps. and when I do see you I'm kicking your ass for scaring me. My wrestling skills are a lot better than they used to be....

Grand Theft Auto lets bitch!

 I love twitter.  Love the fact I use it as a news feed and some entertainment but I don’t care what Sally Sue had for lunch so I don’t really follow friends. 

 I saw a tidbit on how Grand Theft Auto (the game) promotes criminal actions and I have to speak my mind. I'm taking the article out of context so if you have read it this is not my view on the article but on a sentence in the article.

 My kids play this game; my daughter committed 7 felonies in the first 3 minutes of the game. (I counted)I did note the violence, the fast action and wanted to play myself. I didn’t get very far but that is another story.

I've heard a lot of hype about the game but my opinion is mine and if you don’t like it hit the X on the top right corner of this page and poof! I disappear. 

 As I said my kids play this game. I've watched them play a million times. As my kids got older did they commit crimes? No. Did they think about committing crimes? No. I'm going to tell you why.

 I have a firm belief that if you teach your children good morals and values, it shouldn't matter what they are exposed to, their conscience will pull them back to reality. Simple, said, done..

 I've been married I’ve been a single parent, I've worked two and three jobs at a time but I always made time for my kids. I just didn’t let them sit in front of a media device and not know what they were watching; if you use media as a baby sitter and don’t talk to your kids then they will learn morals from what they watch. Brainwashing kids into social media is not parenting and I know a lot of parents that do just that, You get home from work your tired so sit little Johnny in front of the TV until bed time. I will admit I have done this in the past, guilty as charged but it was not an everyday occurrence. Let me put in there that I am not a crazy say no to everything parent; I don’t x ray everything but observe.

  I’ve let my kids watch and play everything they wanted within reason. The kicker to this introduction is talking to your kids. See what they see and talk about it. As for Grand Theft Auto, Do they know this is just a game? Yes, is this reality? To somewhat no, do they think about committing crimes? No. so forth and so on. I’m going to get off point yet again and talk about music. I never bought censored music I would rather listen to bad language than bleeping. We would have MTV dance parties and I would listen to what they wanted and we would dance, and dance and If I heard black and yellow black and yellow, black and yellow One more fucking time  my head was going to explode but I smiled and danced and watched videos and got into their world and they we happy to share. I don’t dissect everything they see I give them their own privacy and let them make up their own minds and observe. It takes time, energy and patience and more patience. If you don’t want to take the time, don’t have children…

 I understand this is not a parenting bitch, it’s what worked for me and my children and every child is different. I’m not saying I am the best parent but I have given my life to producing children that are strong, open minded loving and kind. One child liked horror movies the other was very afraid of them. I admit I don’t watch them either my imagination is too lively and I know when to say no, and so did my kids. I always told them not to give a fuck what anyone else thinks and not to give into peer pressure. (I taught them ways around that). Both my kids came from broken homes, and have lived through things I can only imagine. Love your kids teach them, dance with them, laugh with them and become them every so often be inside their bubble. It's a job in itself and Fuck where did I put my coffee…hang on.. 

Weddings..I'd rather stick a fork in my eye

Springtime…..blue skies, no humidity. Flowers blooming. My back yard looks like a fairytale garden bursting with beautiful color and smells….Graduations…Parties…..and Weddings….Weddings..There I said it twice.

 I’m not a big fan of weddings, avoid them like the plague, all the planning, the dress, the pictures the mushy music and crying babies, Id rather stick a fork in my eye..

 I went to a wedding over the weekend. I did not stick a fork in my eye. The wedding was a co-workers and I really like them so I thought I would by pass the steely fork and go, eat, greet and leave.

It was amazing……

The wedding was held at a log cabin, its rustic charm made it feel quaint. The wedding party wore non traditional wedding attire one bridesmaid  wore slacks and a blue blouse, the other two had off the rack summer  dresses one was striped , the other was a mixture of blue and the brides dress was a beautiful royal blue with a sequined band around the waist. She looked amazing and I don’t say that about too many brides, I’m usually crying …crying for them and asking myself not to say anything when they get to the “If anyone opposes this marriage” I didn’t jump up and say your making a big big mistake!  The groomsmen all matched and there was even a groom’s woman which I have never seen in a wedding before.. I would have to describe the wedding as elegantly simple.

 They got married on the back porch of the log cabin, hanging lights and a simple arbor was the altar, dusk was just above the horizon and the minister was a female. I’m starting to like weddings…

The bride has 2 children from a previous relationship and I loved the fact they included them into the ceremony and had them say vows of love, hugs and fun while their arms encircled their parents (yes, the groom is adopting the children) The bride and groom both said their own vows and I tried to keep my head down so no one could see the tears rolling out of my eyes. When the I do’s were done and the couple exchanged a very long kiss I was thinking in my sarcastic brain…short, sweet, time to eat!

The reception line was short, the food line was long and the bar line was even longer. I went to the bar line first I needed a drink, the gentleman in front me ordered a concoction of liquor I just wanted a beer I tried cutting line but wasn’t happening with the crowd of people waiting, the room started getting a little warm as I made my way past the back room where the wedding cake and candy was, I saw children hovering over the candy, I was going to take a peek but the food looked too delicious and I didn’t want to get tipsy…

I got tipsy.. (I will get to that later)

I got behind the gentleman in the nice suit in the food line; a lady came by and put some water in his drink. I made an educated guess that she didn’t want him getting tipsy either..(I saw him later he was a little tipsy) he turned to me and I was met with beautiful bright blue eyes and a smile that matched. He motioned to the lady that put the water in his drink and said “that’s my daughter”. I smiled and said “I have a daughter as well “. A few minutes went by my first beer was gone I jumped out of line to get another beer and offered to get the gentlemen in front of me another drink but another lady was standing by him and shook her head at me. He pointed to her and said “my other daughter”. I smiled went back and tipped the bar tender a twenty made sure he saw me put it in the jar that way he would remember me when I cam back for my 3^rd beer.

 When I got back in line behind the gentleman in the suit he said “I have 5 daughters and a son”. I replied “No wonder you drink”. He chuckled and his blue eyes smiled with him. I never did catch his name I was too busy looking at the rolls and hot pepper cheese, olives and fruit to ask. By the time I got through the food line I was down another beer. I went for a refresher and sure enough the bar tender saw me coming and got me another beer had it open by the time I got to the table I put another few dollars in his jar.

 I found my table and nestled in. the food was delicious the beer was cold and I was happy. The music started as darkness came creeping in the Mason jar lights were sprinkled around the tables making the atmosphere cozy, imitate and cool. The conversation was relaxed. I ate what was on my plate and made my way back to the bar. When I got back to the table some of my co workers were out on the dance floor. I don’t line dancing. Line dancing sucks. Id rather watch and take pictures which I did. I figured I could use them as blackmail if needed so I kept taking shots. Crap spilled my beer..Off to the bar yet again, this time the bartender gave me 2 beers so I wouldn’t have to walk back in..I was not buzzing yet so I accepted…that’s a good bartender..Knowing the needs of your patrons.

I lost count after 9 beers but I know I had more than that because every time my ride mentioned they were leaving I would go the rest room suck my beer down and throw the bottle away. I would head back to the table and sit and wait and wander off for another beer if we weren’t leaving I might as well enjoy myself. This happened 3 or 4 times...ok now I was tipsy…I asked the bar tender if he was gay and told him he was gorgeous   and tried to get a co worker to do a table dance for a hundred dollars . I knew that If I didn’t keep snacking on food I would get drunk and tell them what I really thought about them which isn’t a good idea since my boss was there and I do need my job and my ride home.

As always a crying child ..Louder than the music that was booming out of speakers that were bigger than me…Time for another beer…Children and me and beer..Not a good combination for me. I never drank around my kids when they were little for that reason… I just sat down and it was the bride and groom dance..Great...mushy music..I need to throw up and get another beer…This time the conversation at my table turned to our greatest love songs..Someone asked me what mine was and I said “Bodies, by Drowning Pool”. Did I mention I hate mushy music?  If I want to get romantic I’ll pop open a beer and watch a horror movie …I sucked that beer down..Time for another to get away from the conversation.

I winked at the bar tender..Nope..Nothing….might as well give up..

 By my next attempt to get my seat back at the table the alcohol was flowing folks were dancing. The lady in the polka dot dress with the pretty red shoes was having a good time. I didn’t see her drinking anything so I’m guessing she is naturally bubbly..Some of the guests wandered over to our table, how they could avoid us we had the liveliest table I laughed so much my cheeks hurt the next day.  The gentlemen in the nice suit came over, drink in hand and chatted a while. More dancing more food, drink and conversation turned into a melodic melody of song. A pleasant way to spend the evening.

 As we were getting ready to leave I asked a co worker if the ladder over by the wood pile would fit in her car, I said I needed a new ladder, she wandered over to the ladder as I screamed “snake” she jumped so  high I felt the ground move under me. There wasn’t really a snake I just had to do it and no, I didn’t steal the ladder. I thought if I saw her take off her earrings I was running..fast…

Weddings…..are not so bad…we are flipping coins to see who is next..my coin is a wooden nickel. I’d rather stick a fork in my eye then get married again...3rd times a charm who the hell said that? you figured after the first 2 were hell so would the 3rd.. but then again that cute bartender.....................

50 Shades, yes...that is correct...my opinion only matters to me..

 Yes, I read the books, yes I've seen the movie. Yes, I liked the books, no, I did not like the movie..well...
As a 40 ish ish female you would think I would get into the whole 50 shades sex and romance..oh wait. forgot. Mr. Grey does not do romance...ok the whole sex thing but honestly the books that are not on my kindle do not even have creased bindings. Read them once and put them away then moved on.
 Some of my co workers have copies of the books that are literally thread bare..I'm going to give you my perception of the books and movie you can always click the button on the top of this page and poof...I disappear....
 I read the books in order in 3 days, yes I know couldn't put it down and being a speed reader made it all go by quickly. What I liked about the books is the actual story, although If I would have read the last chapter first in the third book Meet Christian Grey  I would have NOT read any further.
 I don't like ass holes. I wanted to punch him in his face and then kick him some more but its fiction it's not real as I had to remind myself.
 Getting back to topic a hem.. I did like the actual story , If you strip away all the bondage and red room of pain stuff and look at the actual relationship between Anna and Christian it becomes a fairytale . Rich guy poor girl and a virgin no doubt.. I'm laughing ..in these times that is a fairytale but that's another post. Off topic yet again.. What I did like about Christian is that he gave Anna what most women want and that is to be cherished he really did care about her and the little details that the movie left out, like when Anna used his toothbrush and wore his underwear home the first night they spent together those little tidbits that could have made the movie more lighthearted. and what of the Music from the books?
 Ah... Music.To be honest that's the one thing I couldn't wait for when I heard they were making a movie. Where was all that beautiful music that I could identify with? The threads of words and melody mixed together to set the emotional part of the book and movie. I identify music with emotion ..again another post..
I heard the faint sounds of Bachianas Brasilerias No.5 when Anna first came to the apartment.. They did put in a little Chopin, and somewhat of Thomas Tallis Spem in Alium of what sounded to be some kind of rendition. Let me be the first to say I'm not a musician, I'm not a writer either as you can probably guess from my misguided grammar..I am a lover of music and the written word. The music set the stage for the story with me. I was disappointed.
 I watching the movie while drinking my morning coffee sitting in my massage chair thought I would multi task  not a good idea..I was wearing coffee and then the dog is trying to jump on me because he wanted to lick it up..gross..pause..change clothes....back to movie.This time with a bowl of yogurt and granola. This was also a bad mistake as I got the part where Anna tells Christian it was nice knowing him and he shows up in her bedroom with a glass of wine and ice..I stopped chewing, spoon in midair  then preceded to choke on my food because I forgot to breathe...pause..change clothes....rewind..replay...then preceded to get some ice water and take deep breaths......
 When the movie was over I turned it off and sat quietly looking at the window thinking about what I just watched. Meh....ok..sex, sex and more sex, I'm sure acting out all of that is not what we see I'm sure its very hard to do that esp being naked for over half the movie..So what does it all mean? I can analyze it all I want it wont make sense to me but in a world where sex sells and reality tv is sex, I'm wondering if people watching this stuff really relate to this or is it just fantasy? Does the younger generation think this is real life? It makes me sad..very sad...
 Sexuality isn't about getting down and dirty, to me anyway...it's not hunky guys or sexy girls for that matter poised in swimsuits or nothing at all. There is a deep connection about being sexual than looks. Call me old fashioned..I think I just look at the emotional side..I've ALWAYS have felt this way even when I was younger, but found it difficult to explain. I see things different than most people.
 I liked the way Christian looked at Anna and when he touched her face. Ive been down the marriage isle 2x and no one has ever done that to me, maybe I am just a romantic..Well my first husband did light candles one night and almost burned the house down luckily I did have a fire extinguisher, that was a real mood killer...
 Sexuality is a touch, a word spoken, a glance, the way someone sips their wine, or walks into a room. the way they sit or greet people, kindness is sexy to me.Messy hair, windblown and a slight hint of a tan, the way skin looks in the sun and the crease around their eyes when they smile or look you in the eye. Simple gestures, no matter what they look like or who they are. It's human nature to ..crap I cant think of the word I want...um...gravitate that's it!....people seem to gravitate toward the pretty ones oh their sexy because they are good looking, face isn't cute but what a body..or vice versa, We are human we all have traits, we all feel, we all love, dream, hope, so forth and so on..we are not products of airbrushed perfection from magazines we are not human barbies and ken dolls. Looks fade, waistlines grow, wrinkles do appear. Off subject again...the bottom line ..I really don't have one. Just my thoughts on ...crap I hit the spell checker and will be working on this post for a while , glad it doesn't have the grammar built into it.....looking out the window..oh a large boat is in my front yard mmmmmmm makes me think of being on the water around sunset, being a little sunburned and the wind in my hair gliding across the water that looks like glass......shit..off subject  yet again....

Took a wrong turn down a country road..

 Took the pups for a jeep ride this afternoon, the sky was dark but a little rain is good for the soul,
and has never stopped me from riding in the wind...
 I turned down a road I haven't gone down before which lead me to a dirt road..I was in heaven, dust flying everywhere the dogs were barking at the dust..I drove for a while until the road had actual gravel on it one lane and looked to be newly grated so I thought I would stop and take a few photos for the blog and saw a house up in the distance if someone was outside I would ask where the road came out at. (no phone service)
 I heard two gun shots..shot gun shots not pistol shots. I decided that taking photos and asking for directions may not be a good idea at the moment. I jumped in the jeep sideways by passed second and third gear and got the fuck out of there.......since Im posting this I made it home safe..no photos was a easy decision..photos...life...hmmmmmm

It's a dogs life

 I took the dogs to the groomers and she said she thought the dogs had ringworm. I came home and told Sarah and she googled it and freaked out because its very contagious...Off to the vet. I had to wait outside in the boiling sun.
 A small fella was next walking his very large 3 legged dog to the front door. I felt sorry for the dog only having 3 legs and a big cone around his neck but that quickly diminished when I realized the pup got around on 3 legs just fine practically dragging his owner and in turn the owner trying to pull up his baggy pants..dammit where is my phone when I need it?
 A van pulled up and 3 kids got out carrying what appeared to be a stuffed animal and some socks? They did not have a pet with them but a few minutes later they came back out and didn't have the toy or the socks so I was guessing they were visiting their dog..poor thing.
 Bentley Jack started barking at a dog that was trying to go potty and its chain smoking owners pulling in through the grass over to the shade when another car pulled up and 4 people got out with a little dog and went in..Really? 4 people to take the dog to the vet? Perception...well let's be an optimist and say that they were going somewhere and decided to stop at the vet's office on the way.
 After the first hour I started getting a little sweaty but kept telling myself..breath...its almost over....people were coming in and out , with pets, without ,  busy for a little vet's office. I parked in the shade under a tree and to late I realized that my windshield was covered in sap..great..now I get to spend the afternoon washing that off...
 Finally it's our turn, the parking lot was empty 2.5 hours later and no ringworm...I'm happy that wasn't the case and that it's just a rash of some sort better safe than sorry. I realized driving home that all the people I saw today, some in new cars, some old, some cars were 3 colors and rusted, smokers, non smokers, cane walkers, wheelchair folks, skinny, fat and so on, but they were all there for the same purpose, to take care of their pets and knowing that those pets will go home happy, healed and loved made the wait seem un  important.. ( and yes, I know this last paragraph is a hugh fragment but the hell with it...)

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day mom, I know your looking down at me from Heaven today..I love you!

The title says it all..

Life: driving, looking out through the cracked windshield of my 1983 CJ-7 Jeep.
 I see life in a raw setting as it is and how I interpret it. This is what my blog will be about.
I"m not a writer (you will be able to tell that by my horrible spelling and grammar). My photo's are taken with a cheap camera, but my stories are all genuine and worth it to me to share. Please share my journey.....lv & hugs..Robin

The first line is always the hardest.

What to say...I think I will start with something that inspires me. My sister gave a copy of this to me when I graduated high school and I have always loved it. Its by Max Ehrmann .

Desiderata - Words for Life

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy............